Rant and Rave has always been more rants than raves. Needless to say, that didn’t change in 2020.
From a worldwide pandemic to renewed conflict over systemic racism and police brutality to the continued omnipresence of passionate opinions about the Tan-One-in-Chief, Free Times‘ weekly space for short, anonymous comments has overflowed with venting this year.
This annual exercise seeks to tease out the big themes that stood out in the past 12 months on this forum. Most of them are negative. Some of them are positive. All of them have something to say about the prevailing attitudes that shape the culture of this weird little place called Columbia. JORDAN LAWRENCE
2020 Sucks — Especially COVID-19
Just curious: Coronavirus, is that with or without a lime wedge?
Rest in peace, Kobe Bryant.
The enemy can sneak up on us anytime now. On the ground or in the air. Everybody’s got their ears plugged up.
The other day I was in the office at work and I coughed really big, and the office manager said, “I wish people wouldn’t come to work sick.” I looked at her and said, “If we had sick leave I wouldn’t be here. But I can’t afford to take a week off.”
The Senate impeachment trial was a hoax. It was a total sham.
Disease, famine, floods, locusts, earthquakes. Sound familiar? Check out that part in the Bible about four guys riding horses who are not cowboys.
Where will I have Sunday brunch now that Costco stopped free samples? #RealCoronavirusProblems
How are we doing this week? Is COVID-19 still a hoax by the Democrats? Is it a hoax by the media? Are those people dying from a hoax?
Pandemics, global warming, on and on. It’s just nature’s way of telling us we’re too big for our britches and that it will cull us down every once in a while.
Make sure you wash your hands, so you don’t infect the rest of us.
Walt Disney World is closed. My God, the humanity.
The old idea of six degrees of separation has now been replaced with six feet of separation.
The Bear wants to know, while these people are buying cases of toilet paper, where do they think their respiratory system is located? Up their behinds?
With the way the world is today, I forgot to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day.
Let’s call it what it is: anti-social distancing.
Going to church during a pandemic: Culling the herd or promoting herd immunity? We will see.
When I look at the Olympic rings, I say, “Shouldn’t they be practicing social distancing?”
Turns out a pandemic quarantine is a good time to potty train a toddler.
I had some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them worked.
COVID-19 restrictions eased without having a period of 14 days of decreasing numbers of infections? South Carolina — again — first to secede.
This COVID-19 pandemic is a true example worldwide of a clusterf#!k.
I have so much toilet paper. Maybe I’ll go TP all the houses and trees in the neighborhood.
The newsbreak at noon was horrific.
I haven’t worn pants in two months.
Am I asking for too much? A functioning Democracy and some toilet paper.
I thought the heat and humidity would slow the virus spread. Much like dealing with racism quickly and easily.
Pandemics, riots, Uber surge charges. That show The Walking Dead ain’t looking too bad, at all.
No shirt, no shoes, no MASKS, no service!
Happy birthday, USA. Get better soon!
If you go back to Jaws, the mayor is encouraging people to go back to the beach and go back swimming, even though there is a shark in the water. The mayor says, “Those beaches will be open.” The president wants churches packed, golf courses packed and campaign rallies packed.
This pandemic is so bad that even cocaine use is taking a nose dive.
If you think a mask mandate encroaches on your personal freedom, what about the mandate to wear clothes in public? Show your patriotism and get naked on Main Street, to demonstrate your freedom to do as you please.
The State Fair this year is only going to be two days. I had wanted to ride the camel.
Mostly About Trump
Trump isn’t a racist. He just hates anyone who won’t kiss his ass. Democrats need to learn that.
Let’s take it down to basics: Nobody with a comb-over has ever been trustworthy.
Donald Trump with his Diet Cokes and his tribalism is the sheer definition of diatribe.
Lindsey Graham is a loser. John McCain would be ashamed. Lindsey, you are a political nightmare. I hope you lose your next election.
The Klan is happy because they’ve got the grand dragon in the White House.
Hi, I was planning on leaving a really nice message, but I had to rush off to the bathroom and take a healthy Biden and wipe with a Pelosi. In case I get backed up, I’m going to need a bunch of Schumer. I’ll call back later. I’ve gotta go!
Calling all reality TV stars who want to run for president of the USA. No experience in governing needed. No need to know how to read or spell. No need to understand basics of the U.S. Constitution. No need to understand our system of government checks and balances. Anyone can do it!
I pledge allegiance to the Trump, he Twitters while he takes a dump, when he barks, his people jump, he’s got his head straight up his rump. Or, as Confucius says, “Man with head up ass is his own worst enema.”
This is a rant to Bakari Sellers. Your despicable, false assertion on CNN that Tulsi Gabbard is a “puppet for the Russian government” revealed that you are just another vapid, narcissistic shill for the corporatist, warmongering neoliberal Clinton/DNC machine.
Lindsey has developed a spine since he started supporting President Trump, and helped expose the Hitleresque progressive liberals for what they are!
President Trump has done more for this country in the last two and a half years than any president in the last 50 years. Trump has done a great job. You think a Democrat is going to straighten out what Trump’s done?
So far, he hasn’t returned my call seeking his comment. But I imagine Donald Trump is feeling more at ease with Jeffrey Epstein dead.
Former Governor Mark Sanford ran for president. I thought he was still on the Appalachian Trail.
White guys with high school educations love Trump.
The problem with Trump is he appeals to simpletons. The even bigger problem is there are so many. The American population is simply getting dumber.
Biden was fizzling and now he’s surging. Be advised, good people, that Joe Biden is a man of the past. Our country is desperate for a new president who can lead into the future. Who is it?
Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Adam Schiff are now squirming and flailing after their failed strategy to remove the orange dictator. I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican but I am sorry to see such a stupid sequence go down when WE TRULY NEED TO GET HIM OUT TO SAVE THE USA.
The Caligula Challenge: Now that Trump holds all power and the Senate is a debating society with preordained outcomes, I challenge Trump to demonstrate his unrestrained might by appointing his golf cart to the U.S. Senate.
Can someone find out what Trump has on Lindsey Graham? It has to be a doozy.
President Trump said at his rally that we should bring back the film Gone With the Wind. I remember that one. It’s the one featuring the rich white people and their happy black slaves.
To the America hating idiots who think ranting about Trump in a local paper is activism: Enjoy the next four years! Good news: Trump’s policies help all Americans, even commies like y’all. #MAGA
Thanos believed destroying half of life would save the universe. Dr. Russell believed Godzilla and the Titans should destroy most of humanity to save the planet. Trump believes he’s doing a good job. Two of these are fictional.
There could not be a worse time to have a corrupt and incompetent president.
Breaking news! Trump PPE: White pillowcase with eyeholes cut out. Shotgun for people not observing social distancing. Approved by Governor Foghorn Leghorn.
I hate to cuss, but baseball announcer Bob Costas has the shittiest hair since our President Donald Trump. I saw Costas on CNN and his hair was as f#!ked up as Trump’s.
Breaking news: Due to institutionalized corruption, democracy is now closed until further notice. You wanted a dictator. You got one.
If Donald Trump were a bottle of whiskey, wouldn’t he be Old Grandad?
On Black Lives Mattering
I am at a loss. What can I do? If I hang my head in shame and cry rivers of tears, will it help? Y’all white people stop murdering black males. Just stop. STOP.
My memory must be going. I don’t remember tear gas and rubber bullets in Charlottesville, where the protesters actually took the life of an innocent person.
When Dylann Roof, a white male, was arrested in Charleston after gunning down nine people in cold blood, the police officers took him out for a bite to eat. When George Floyd, a black male, was arrested in Minneapolis, suspected of trying to pass a fake $20 bill, the police officers killed him on the spot.
A carotid restraint (pressure applied to the side of the neck) is a maneuver taught to police? That technique denies the brain of oxygen. Are the trainees informed that it is deadly? The officer in Minneapolis demonstrated that on George Floyd. It looked like murder in cold blood to me.
I think racism should be deemed a medical emergency.
Just wondering: Since Clemson is considering removing the name from Tillman Hall, why don’t we go for a package deal and remove Pitchfork Ben’s statue from the Statehouse grounds? He was the racist murderer extraordinaire and stands for most things wrong in this state and country. Do people not realize he’s there, just to the right of where the Confederate Flag once stood?
Columbia needs a statue of Modjeska Monteith Simkins. Let’s put it on the Statehouse grounds.
Oh, just FYI there are a lot of counties in South Carolina that are named for people from the Civil War and other events around that time. Maybe we should start renaming those. In fact, why don’t we rename the state from “South Carolina” to “That State Below the Mason-Dixon Line”? Oh, wait, there’s the words “Mason” and “Dixon.” Hell, y’all figure it out, OK?
Thank you to Rayshard Brooks and George Floyd. You exposed police brutality and opened this old white man’s eyes to what Black people really have to face. It is appalling and I am with you. Now I understand.
Local Concerns
Can anyone explain why Dick Harpootlian is now emperor and king of Five Points and why one person has that much power?
Hey Rant and Rave, I just read in the Free Times that America has a gun problem. Hell, no. Columbia’s got a mayor problem. We need a real mayor. How’s that?
How can the chief of CPD claim they have staffing issues? We can see his officers all over social media giving out ice cream and taking selfies! Maybe try patrolling for a change!
You know, I was reading somewhere that Nikki Haley is one of the most admired women in America. I just want to say that I feel the same way. She was the best governor Uber could buy here. Thanks, and have a nice day.
Say, what the f#!k is up with West Columbia’s stank ass water? It’s gotten so bad I don’t even want to brush my teeth with it!
Dominion Energy is going to start making natural gas out of horse manure that they pipe directly out the back of the Statehouse.
Judging by the hundreds of apartments going up, it is clear that developers have state, county and municipal governments on their pockets. And it is killing the planet.
Is there any video of Richland County negotiating with Gerald Seals? Maybe we can see Dalhi Myers wink at Mr. Seals when she emails him to “hold out for more.”
These bloodsucking mother#!kers that work at Dominion and SCE&G can suck my d#!k and kiss my ass. You are going to send me a $46 check? Y’all are greedy bastards. I hope you burn in hell.
No one should be fooled by Nikki Haley. Say no to Nikki Haley.
The train trestle bridge over Blossom in Five Points looks great. Why can’t the city paint the one over Gervais? See it at least twice a day. Looks like s#!t.
Congressman Joe “Do Nothing” Wilson is very talented. He eats lunch, shakes hands, eats lunch again, smiles for photographs, and shakes more hands. No leadership. Just a drone pandering to the military and the NRA.
Hello, this is Governor Henry McMasterbator. I was calling to say that if Clemson is Al Pacino, then UofSUCK must be Fredo. Peace out from Governor McMasterbator. Good night.
Hey Dick Harpootlian, I live in Shandon a couple blocks from the Rosewood Dairy Bar. I found a milkshake cup in my front yard this morning. I think we should shut them down.
Shout out to the guy in Coa that told the snobby NYC group talking trash about Columbia to, “Settle down. You’re not the pinnacle of sophistication. You dance to The Wizard of Oz fan fiction.” I’ve been laughing about that for days.
Ah, early spring in South Carolina. Throw up the window on your quarter-million dollar condo in the West Columbia river district and get a nice, long nose full of that wonderfully fowl air. Yes, you can spell that “fowl” or “foul.” Around here we call that fragrance “Essence of Chicken Plant.”
What’s wrong with the legislators of South Carolina? Why can’t you make hemp completely legal?
Congratulations to Columbia on the new city flag. I like it.
They keep trying to close Group Therapy in Five Points. I can’t believe that. I remember going there in the 1980s and 1990s and everybody went to Group. Hootie used to hang out in there. Now it’s run by a USC quarterback hero, and you want to shut it down? That’s blasphemy, and it shouldn’t be allowed to happen.
Oh, good. Another Henry McMaster press conference. I love standup comedy.
Chicken Curses
I wonder how many people come to USC from Cockeysville, Maryland. That’s where Cocky was born.
I sure hope USC’s football team improves this year because I would hate to think who Gov. Henry McMaster would pick to be our next head coach.
Way to go USC. Drinkwitz goes to Missouri. That was your best shot. We are in Muschampville and will be 4-8 again.
How is it that South Carolina is able to get rid of an outdated flag, but they still have the fighting Gamecocks, which is now a federal felony. What is going on?
The Chicken Curse is alive.
Sorry, Will. I’m changing the name of the Gamecocks to the “Gamesnots.” Not only are there teardrops falling all around you, but your team sucks.
You think maybe if the University of South Carolina called Dabo and asked him really, really nicely and sweetly that maybe we could borrow one of Clemson’s quarterbacks? Just saying.
Hey Gamecock fans, you guys want to start winning? Fire Will Muschamp and hire Mark Richt. That’s what you need to do.
Who in the f#!k schedules the trains in this town? There are 100,000 people in town for the Alabama game and they schedule two trains within four hours of kickoff.
Gamecock fans have no class. They even boo the opposing players before a game. Go back to high school if you want to do that.
Why do we always care about Carolina when they suck at every sport they play? #GoClemsonTigers
USC should play its home games at Williams-Brice Stadium, and the opponent should play their games at their stadium. We don’t need anymore third-party stadium games up in Charlotte. We are losing a lot of business that would be good for our economy.
Year after year, decade after decade, there is a USC home game during the State Fair. You would think this was an accident of disastrous planning but it’s not. It’s brought to you by the folks who love traffic gridlock, love to waste gasoline in thousands of idling cars, love to increase air pollution from vehicles that can’t get anywhere and love to lower our quality of life by encouraging this damned hell of a mess!
The USC women’s basketball team is No. 1 in the country and doing very well. Now they need matching shoes.
Many of the USC women’s basketball team members wear pink and green shoes. I guess you have to look fly to be able to fly. I just made that up on the fly. Yeah.
How did the Lady Gamecocks host a basketball game at noon Sunday when the arena still smells like Post Malone?
I just want to say that I live in Columbia and I’m a big University of South Carolina fan. There is still not enough social distancing between me and Clemson. I’m just saying.
Gosh, three USC coaches took a 10 percent pay cut. Woohoo! I’m yearning for the days of Bear Bryant. He would not take a paycheck higher than the president of the university. Now that was a responsible coach.
Food on the Brain
My friend said he had a $310 crab cake. It must have been from Aramarkup.
I learned how to make ice cream in sundae school.
I enjoy doing crunches. Cap’n Crunch, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, etc.
Man, the okra is so good at this time of the year. I pan fried some freshly cut baby okra and I added a touch of salt and pepper. That’s delicious and nutritious. Rave for okra.
Taco Tuuuueessddayy.
My friend loves cheese. He loves string cheese, cheese balls, cheese puffs and Cheetos.
This is the Columbia Yeah Guy. Does Popeye eat at Popeyes? Yeah.
When I make a pot pie, I put pot in there.
Crabs. Columbia has an infestation of crabs. They are spreading all over town. Wild, krafty, fiery, juicy? What the hell? Someone call the health department.
First Sandy’s, now Yesterdays! If Big T’s BBQ closes next, I’m out. This some bulls#!t.
Why do Chinese buffets have French fries?
Characters Abound
Hey, did George Sink’s son call 999-9999 when his dad sued him over using his own name?
My dog is blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other.
This is the Lizard Man from Bishopville. I just wanted to say I took the summer off because it was so hot. But hurricane season is here, and the Lizard Man is coming out of the swamps, my friends. I love hurricane weather.
Hey, this is the High Guy back with another random thought of the day. Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap, it’s the cops!” This has been the High Guy with another random thought of the day.
When I put $200 in my savings account, the bank said they detected suspicious activity.
This is Figaro. Hey BG the Blind Guy, you can kiss my ass.
I told the doc I broke my leg in two places. He said, “Quit going to those places.”
Guy with the ponytail at Mast General got a haircut. He could still get it, though.
I like this time of year. It is squirrel mating season.
I am white trash.
I asked my friend if he passed his pilot’s test or if it was still up in the air.
Has there ever been a drone strike on a golf course?
Hips don’t lie. Apps sure do.
I married my husband because I had found the most special man in the world. As it turns out, he’s just another guy following his dick around.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker?”
My best friend has an ostrich farm. I’m always telling the ostriches to get their heads out of the sand.
The Kelley Blue Book isn’t a real book.
On the South Carolina license tags, we should put, “While I breathe, I Uber.”
You know you are getting old when your joints become more accurate than the National Weather Service.
I wonder if there’s ever been an intervention for someone that’s strung out on Viagra?
Thank you, Joe Exotic, for bringing back the mullet. I’ve had mine now for 35 years, and all of the sudden I’m cool again.
I heard a new movie was on the way called Constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.
I’d rather be watching Tales From the Crypt.
I’ve been watching Judge Judy lately. I notice she never takes anyone’s counterclaim.
Ranting About Free Times
To the person who says the Rant and Rave is an exercise in stupidity: I resemble that remark, thank you.
Since when did Free Times get to be such a liberal, dirty newspaper. If that’s what you want to call it. I don’t call it that.
That’s OK Rant and Rave. I’ll still read you even though you are stupidly squishing. Don’t do it again!
I’m really disappointed in the lack, nay, the gobsmacking absence of coverage regarding SC Black Pride in the Free Times. For all the ink that’s (appropriately) spilled gushing over the partially public (read City of Columbia) funded SC Pride every year, not a peep is mentioned about SC Black Pride which just celebrated it’s 13th year and works to promote, support and inform queer communities of color.
How long does it take to improve the “commenting experience” on Free Times? For a long time now that has been the excuse for not having means to leave a comment on an article in your publication.
No offense Jordan, and congratulations, but I wish Eva was still the editor. And even beyond Eva, no offense to her, I wish Dan was still there.
Yeah, for Rant and Rave it says to call this number, with extension 126. It’s in the paper. You punch 126 and it says Rant isn’t available. Y’all have just moved to a new location. Y’all need to get right.
I don’t understand why all these people come to Rant and Rave to cry a little bit. They cry enough all day. They shouldn’t be doing it in the papers. Have a good day.
Yo Free Times, I don’t care what time the doors open. Tell me what time the band is actually scheduled to play.
My friend didn’t like me talking about him in Rant and Rave. He said, “At least nobody reads it.”
One friend “ranted” the expression “rave” the other day. Now I’m thinking of “ranting” about nothing. Is it positive to “rant” while the world turns negative links to “rave?” I embark upon rehab today! Please write to me.
I love Rant and Rave. I’ve skied with Billy the Kid.
[In reference to City Watch, Feb. 12] I will no longer read Kevin Fisher’s column since he said that the president did nothing wrong and did not deserve to impeached. Oh, you say he didn’t say that? He said the impeachment trial ended as it should have. What is the difference? I am so sick of you middle-of-the-road morons not wanting to offend anyone. If I see Kevin in Tony’s Pizza I am going to tell him what a pussy he is for siding with the right. If space permitted I could take his column apart and show him how wrong he is in the points he makes. Righty is the one out to destroy the Dems with lies and BS. This has been going on since Nixon resigned. You are a righty Kevin, why not admit it?
I couldn’t help but notice Chris Trainor’s email handle. He has to have a Christ complex, har har.
This is a big rant to Free Times. I want you to change your publishing company, because they cannot fold your newspaper in half. It’s very aggravating to look at it, because it is not folded correctly.
“That mailbox is full. That mailbox is full.” You know what? I bet there’s a whole lot of homeless people in Columbia that would love to go to work for Free Times, checking those mailboxes. Just saying.
Aw, look at my sweet baby puppy. I knew this copy of Free Times would come in handy for something.
Rant and Rave is not as good since the Post took over. No cussing and no bad-mouthing Rush.
What’s with this low-rent new layout? The Free Times now feels like some municipal fish wrapper that they give away at the dried-flower store. Can’t wait for your blowout coverage of the town Labor Day parade.
Thank God for a wife who can cook biscuits and cornbread and make mash. And thank God for the Fort Jackson Leader and Free Times in case I run out of toilet paper.
Why are you called the Free Times? I am linked to Columbia, living nearby. Free Times is not available because the places that distribute it in normal times are closed. When I go online to catch up with your great paper, I find out that it is NOT FREE. Do your advertisers know?
Wow. Even a little rag like Free Times can’t be balanced. Rant and Rave is at least five to one in letters critical of Trump than not. I’m sure you receive plants of letters complimenting Trump.
All the syndicated columns and material Free Times used to offer disappeared, because it is no longer willing to spend the money to publish them. It’s not a Columbia weekly anymore. It belongs to Charleston. Anymore questions?
The Post and Courier ownership of the Free Times has the paper circling the drain. It looks bad, and features we need like News of the Weird are gone. Free Times used to bring vitality to Columbia, but no more.
F#!k you, Post and Courier.
I miss the Rant and Rave bullhorn, but I have to admit, I’m digging that retro font.
I couldn’t believe what I saw on your website this morning. We just moved to SC from Texas, and lived in Michigan before that, and believe me, this is NOT how things run there. When you sell ad space to “featured entrants” in a “Best of” competition, it negates the whole rating system. Do you not see that? You can’t let some contestants splash a fancy ad at the top of the category and expect true results. I’m very disappointed in your publication, and hope others who wanted to vote will understand this folly and shun your site.
When are you going to change the name of your paper to Pay Us Times? Here we are in coronavirus and for me to read Free Times, I have to go out and get a hard copy?
I’m so sick of reading racist posts in Rant and Rave, always against white people. It’s pretty obvious who runs this trashy ass toilet paper. Here’s my protest. White people please burn every Free Times paper you can find and do not advertise anything in this toilet paper and give them your hard earned money. Let’s see you print this rant.
Wait, so the Free Times spends almost all their time asking citizens to hide under their beds and wait out the pandemic all the while criticizing restaurants that open their dining rooms and constantly editorialize that people should only be doing takeout, but ALSO the Free Times is putting on a food and wine festival for 400 people in August? LOL, I guess it’s all about the mighty dollar for you guys too. Sad hypocrites.
I just got my copy of Free Times and I see you are having Best Of Columbia coming up. How in the hell can you have Best Of Columbia when you are in the middle of a pandemic? Most of the restaurants are on the verge of bankruptcy and people don’t have jobs. You should be staying home. Don’t you think we should wait to have Best Of Columbia?
