Salt spilling on wooden table from salt cellar
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Dear Salt,
I've spent the last two years forking over every last dollar on bridesmaid dresses, wedding gifts and bridal showers. Now that the celebrations are over and the credit cards paid off, I was looking forward to spending money on myself this year. (I'm turning 30 and taking a vacation to Paris!) But the invites are back — this time for other 30th birthday parties and baby showers. Celebrating every last milestone of every one of my friends' lives is expensive — and I deserve to have some fun, too! What can I do?
Sincerely,
Poor Party Guest
Dear Poor Party Guest,
You aren’t a poor guest. On the contrary, you’re spectacular. This is why you have a lot of friends. But you will be poor if you keep this up. It’s time to host your own party. I’m so glad you’re going to Paris! It’s one of my favorite cities and I’d love to give you some recommendations about where to go and what to do. I’m also super excited about you exploring on your own and doing whatever you want! This is your time and 30 is just the beginning.
This is also your time to take care of your financial future. These events are going to keep on coming and I’m hereby giving you permission to say no, not that you need permission. If you don’t have enough cash left after paying bills, and adding a healthy amount in your retirement fund, your vacation-to-wherever-you-want fund, and your whatever-else-you-want fund, just say no. “A baby shower? How lovely! Thank you so much for including me! Unfortunately I can’t make it.” Full stop. If you like, send a fun, inexpensive gift with a cute card. I’m a fan of Kate Schatz and Miriam Klein Stahl’s Rad American Women A-Z, the perfect gift for any baby. Sending a gift generally costs less than attending the event. And if you lose a friend over not doing enough? Call me. So help me God, I will personally shun them for life and maybe give them a talking to about how we can’t expect our friends to finance our whims. As for weddings and birthdays, buy interesting coffee table books on deep discount when you find them and keep a stash ready for any occasion. Everyone likes a nice coffee table book.
But let’s say the next ask is from a great friend and you find yourself tapping your Morocco fund to go on a bachelorette weekend to Vegas, with a bunch of women you don’t know that well who may or may not be highly annoying. (Spoiler alert: They will be.) No one wants to speak up, but I’d bet money (actually, I wouldn’t, because there are better ways to spend) someone else is inwardly seething about the cost, maybe even everyone else. This is where you come in. “Guys? This sounds like so much fun but it’s not in my budget right now. Could we maybe do this as a staycation? Or one big night out?” At least one, if not all, of the bridesmaids will thank you, even if they only do it silently. I can’t imagine spending $1,000 or more on a vacation that wasn’t my choice, especially if it meant giving up one that was. You can also become the person who rocks at finding inexpensive alternatives. (Shoutout to my sister and her friends who found a super reasonable Airbnb for her bachelorette party in a fun town most of us could get to by car!) And if they go anyway, wish them well and take your friend out for fancy cocktails after the trip and suffer through all the pictures and stories. It’ll be just as annoying, but you’ll still get to go to Morocco.
Please put yourself first financially, because no one else will. When it’s your turn to ask friends to celebrate with you, they’ll love you even more because you won’t expect them to shell out big bucks to prove their friendship. Bon voyage!
******
Dear Salt,
I sometimes wake up in the night and find my wife rubbing her nub, and I pretend I don't notice. She could have easily just poked me and stroked me and I would have done the hard work. Should I say something, like next the day or so, so that she's not on the spot? (Pun totally unintended.)
Anne Wolfe Postic is a Columbia-based writer.
Dear Hubs,
Never apologize for a pun. They’re fun! On to your question. So, I think you’re referring to masturbation? Masturbation as in “self-stimulation of the genitals, often to the point of orgasm?” If that’s what you mean, you know your wife better than I do, so ask yourself what you think she’d want. Is this the kind of thing you two would laugh about? Or do you think she’d prefer you didn’t mention it? I don’t know. But picture yourself saying something and I bet you can imagine her reaction. You got this.
I am concerned you don’t seem to think your wife exists as a sexual being without you. Everyone masturbates. It’s fun and risk-free! You wrote, “she could have just as easily poked me and stroked me and I would have done the hard work.” That doesn’t sound that easy. It sounds like you expect her to take care of your sexual needs before it’s her turn. You also refer to it as “hard work.” Is it possible she senses this attitude and feels guilty about making you satisfy her? Maybe she just wants a quick orgasm, without all the hard work it sounds like you expect her to do to earn it. Besides, even with access to a magnificent partner, there are times when a solo quickie is exactly what one wants.
Now, if you misspoke and really meant, “I wouldn’t object at all to being woken up for sex in the middle of the night,” find a good time to tell her that. You don’t even need to mention her nocturnal solo fun. Over breakfast or lunch, or during a Jeopardy! commercial break, jump in. “So, babe? Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night in the mood for [insert whatever y’all call sexual activity]. How would you feel if I tried to wake you to participate? And by the way, if you’re ever in the mood, just tap me on the shoulder. I’d love to help out!” I mean, put it in your own words, but you get the idea. Be generous and have fun!
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