Crime Blotter

Traffic Light Falls on Car in Columbia

Plus: Naked Man on Lake Murray Dam

By Preach Jacobs
Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Red Light: Waiting at a traffic light is bad enough, but it sucks even more when the traffic light falls on your car. An unlucky driver was at a stoplight in northeast Columbia when the traffic light fell on top of the vehicle, damaging the glass on the windshield. No injuries were reported, but when life turns into one of those insurance commercial skits it becomes quite eerie. Are you in good hands?

Full Frontal: Authorities were called to a scene that involved a naked man threatening to jump off the Lake Murray Dam. After eight hours, the authorities were able to convince the man not to jump. No one was injured unless you count anybody driving in the area and seeing some random guy’s junk while on the way to work.

Got Nothing: A man attempted to steal money from a store in northeast Columbia, but things didn’t go as planned. The suspect pulled out his handgun to rob a store, but an employee saw what was going on before the suspect approached and got the hell out of there. Too bad for the would-be crook, the register couldn’t be opened without the help of an employee; surveillance cameras caught the suspect leaving the building empty handed after he couldn’t open it. Only thing that would’ve been funnier is if the guy had been locked in the store after trying to rob it, like in the movie Snatch. No arrests have been made.

Mad As Hell: A 22-year-old man and a 23-year-old woman were arrested after an argument got out of hand. The couple were watching a movie when the boyfriend became angry because he felt his girl was intentionally attempting to make him angry. The argument continued and the boyfriend hit her with his anger management book. (He was taking an anger management class.) It didn’t get to the level of Ravens running back Ray Rice — who just married his fiancée even though he’s been indicted for allegedly assaulting her — but both of them continued to argue until the cops arrived. Here’s a tip for the guy: If your girl makes you that angry, you may want to try and find another.

Big Gun: A man wearing a ski mask and gloves and carrying an assault rifle attempted to rob a north Columbia gas station, handing an employee a gym bag that he demanded be filled with money. Look, in a situation like that, it’s probably overkill to have an assault rifle. Nonetheless, it worked for now: No arrests have been made.

Tip of the Week: If you’re going to steal a credit card from someone’s car, maybe you should use it for something other than a copy of the new Call of Duty: Black Ops or Madden ‘15. Someone broke into a car in northeast Columbia and stole a credit card and a gift card. The suspect then charged about $700 worth of stuff, most of it at a video gaming place. (He also went to a dollar store.) Not that there’s any place you should go with a stolen card, but doesn’t this guy have bills to play? Where are the fiscally conservative crooks who would use a stolen credit card to pay the utility bill? No arrests have been made.

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