Rant & Rave

The New Inbred Hot Topic

Plus: Where Trains and Frickin' Horses Ruled

By Free Times Readers
Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Who is Monica Lewinsky’s ex-boyfriend’s wife, and why is she running for president?

This is a rave. I’m not saying there’s not a Bigfoot, but maybe he’s not a smoker (Cover story, “Carolina Bigfoot,” Feb. 19). The dude at the library said use smoke bait. Well, maybe he’s a drinker. Bring out the alcohol — the beer, man. How about that?

This rant goes out to Eva Moore and Sean Rayford of Free Times (Cover story, “Carolina Bigfoot,” Feb. 19). The cover story you did last week featured “Carolina Sasquatch” [sic] and the couple you interviewed made you sign a nondisclosure agreement? Really, did they also make you smoke left-handed cigarettes and drink white lightning in the woods?  Look forward to the Lizard Man story [where they] blindfold the two of you next weekend in Bishopville.

This is a rave about the Bigfoot article in the Feb. 19 issue (Cover story, “Carolina Bigfoot,” Feb. 19). I don’t believe, but it’s damn entertaining. Free Times should write more stories about the paranormal!

That Bigfoot you wrote about: I saw him in Five Points during that ice storm (Cover, “Carolina Bigfoot,” Feb. 19). He was big, he’s like that Chewbacca fella. His feet? I think he must wear a size 25. But I didn’t have my camera, and those people at the bar wouldn’t believe me. Bye.

Russian hockey coaches — the breakfast of champions.

Hey, I’ve been watching the Olympics in, what is it, Sochi, Russia? And a few times they’ve mentioned there’s like a problem with stray dogs. And I was thinking back, I don’t remember them having that problem when they had the Olympics in Beijing.

You see what happened? We let skateboarding become an Olympic sport, and now they’ve got ice dancing.

I guess the new inbred hot topic is no longer the Confederate flag; it’s the bridge construction on Broad River Road. That sums up South Carolina’s level of social awareness. 

Yeah, when you call the Rant line, make sure you have your facts straight (Rant & Rave, Feb. 19). The Heartbreakers strip club is not on Broad River Road. It’s on Bush River Road. Big difference.

Yes, there is a God: They’re closing Heartbreakers on Bush River Road, but they’re opening Platinum West in West Columbia, which is where I live. I’ll be able to save a whole lot of money on taxi fares — because I don’t drink and drive, and I have a really good job and I enjoy adult entertainment. So, I will be able to spend more money and support these lovely young ladies. So, thank you, God.

To the naked jogger at Peachtree Rock: Props for being as old as you are while still being able to rip off your pants in mere seconds; but that is a public park and there were at least half a dozen cars there. No one wants to see your junk. 

This is a rant about Kevin Fisher’s most recent column (City Watch, “Santiago’s Situation Demands Resolution,” Feb. 19). Comparing Columbia’s local government to the 1962 New York Mets is an insult to the 1962 New York Mets.

What is wrong with this world? The Turnipseeds are wonderful people who spend every Sunday feeding the homeless (Rant & Rave, Feb. 19). You should appreciate them, not complain about the food. Grow up and appreciate what they do! 

[Russia] spent $50 billion to build the Sochi Olympic facilities to highlight to glories of the motherland. Getting a positive return on that much seems highly unlikely to even the smallest of brains. While the new ballpark idea isn’t anywhere near that scale of foolish, the wasting of money to build some new facilities on land we have already sold is just as crazy. Maybe we could try the plan where tax money collected for sewer and water funding is actually spent on sewer and water infrastructure. We had a ballpark and wouldn’t keep it up, we had a mental health facility but didn’t maintain it and so on. Rather than build something new, how about fix what is already broken?  

My Ph.D. dissertation for art history was finding 17 ways to say, ”Do you want fries with that?”

Hello, is anybody there? Does anybody really know what time it is? Hey, I’m in agreement with that guy who says somebody please buy that yellow Thunderbird (Rant & Rave, Feb. 19). We’re tired of looking at it. Thank you.

Is someone there? Hello? Hello? Hello?

To whoever wrote about what’s the matter with white people (Rant & Rave, Feb. 19), that you can’t enjoy being in their company any more? It’s probably because they have to put up with people like you.

Are we living in the 19th century, when trains ruled the country? It’s a Friday morning, rush-hour traffic, and I’ve been stopped by not one but two trains. It’s got the whole town at a standstill. Who the f#!k is allowing this s#!t to happen? It’s crazy. This is the 21st century, not the Old West where trains and frickin’ horses ruled.

I have a rave about the article about the guy with that car (Soda City Chronicles, “That Guy With That Car,” Feb. 19). I want to hear more about that dude. Please — and thank you, Free Times.

Yes, the Congressional Budget Office determined that the Affordable Care Act will cost 2 million jobs, and the Democrats say it’ll let people pursue occupational freedom. That’s great. I guess when people die in a war they’re getting the choice to pursue dimensional freedom. They can travel to whatever dimension they want — it’s great. It’s providing them a freedom. What a great guy Obama is. Thank you.

This is to City Manager Teresa Wilson for being able to say with a straight face that [interim police chief] Ruben Santiago did not meet the job qualifications in terms of service or education and when she got her job without having the qualifications [for] the position. What a great act.

Yeah, Teresa Wilson is a big joke. She don’t know her head from a hole in the ground. The Columbia mayor is elected. The Columbia City Council is elected, not the Columbia city manager. Seems like she’s the only one making decisions for Columbia. If she keeps it up, she’s gonna mess Columbia way up. She needs to get out.

Hello, I’d like to say the message at the [unintelligible] United Methodist Church: ”You just might like it, being a Christian, if you try it. So, give it a try — you might like it.”

My friend is a Virginia Tech Hokie. What the hell is a Hokie? Yeah.

How about asking the Columbia police to look for jaywalkers on north Millwood? Or is it only that they’re worried about little college kids getting run over?

Yeah, I’m driving down Sunset Boulevard in West Columbia and I see another car dealership being built. Yeah, that’s what we need in West Columbia — another car dealership. We don’t need any new restaurants, we don’t need any movie theaters, we don’t need any bus service, the only thing we need is another car dealership. Thanks a lot, City of West Columbia.

Hey Free Times: How come you guys didn’t publish my rant about Nikki Haley and the penis pump? Have a good day.

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