Random Aggression: A 19-year-old man and a 21-year-old man drove around the Lexington area vandalizing mailboxes, with one of the suspects driving an SUV while the other guy leaned out the window to smash mailboxes. A 19-year-old and a 21-year-old? Dudes, this seems more like the prank of a 16-year-old. You guys should either take up a hobby (PlayStation 4, maybe) or get girlfriends. I hear that’s what all the 20-somethings are doing. This has to be one of the more meaningless crimes in recent memory.
Xanax Smoothie: In another meth bust in the Lexington area, authorities arrested a 33-year-old woman and a 35-year-old man. Authorities were hipped to the scene after reports of possible drug activity going on. When they arrived, they found the usual makings of a DIY meth kit but also found a blender containing white powder. It turned out to be blended Xanax pills. Not sure if Xanax is supposed to be used like whey protein, but that seems kind of weird.
Hotwired Backhoe: A 27-year-old man and a 20-year-old man broke into a fenced-in maintenance area near an Irmo soccer field and hotwired a backhoe. The suspects then drove it around digging holes — apparently for no other reason than to have something to do. (Need something to do? Watch the NBA playoffs.) Backhoes are kind of hard to miss — so, yeah, cops caught the suspects after someone spotted the two young men having their joyride.
With Friends Like These: A 57-year-old man was drinking with a friend outside of a Kershaw county home when they got into an argument over crack. The suspect cut the victim across the chest. Cops came, and the suspect surrendered — informing the officers that yes, the argument was in fact over the “rock.” In the timeless words of the late Whitney Houston: Crack is whack.
We Got Guns: A 23-year-old man bought half a dozen guns on behalf of a felon. The buyer told the cops that he purchased the guns for a guy whose name he didn’t know (that’s never good) and that the unknown man told him he couldn’t buy the guns because he was a felon. That’s about as good an idea as Donald Sterling deciding to just wing it in his interview with Anderson Cooper. Cops confiscated everything from a .45 caliber pistol to a 9mm Ruger; the intended recipient of the weapons has not been found.
Tip of the Week: Before you commit a crime, watch an episode of CSI. Three men were allegedly involved with home invasions in the Hopkins area. Cops tracked reports of the home break-ins to predict where the thieves might end up and were able to pick up a shoe print at one of the homes the men invaded. Next time you want to break into a home, wear those things that doctors wear before surgery. Or — better yet — you can just not break into people’s houses.
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