Crime Blotter

Old Man Sought in Forest Acres Bank Robbery

Plus: Automobile Mayhem in Rosewood

By Preach Jacobs
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Illustration by Jason Crosby
Old Man Robbery: Authorities are looking for a man in his 60’s and who allegedly robbed a bank near the Forest Acres area. Workers at the bank say the suspect didn’t present a weapon but demanded money and was wearing a T-shirt with a logo, khaki shorts and white tennis shoes (i.e., every man in their 60s). Here’s one theory: Old men always walk into banks and jokingly say “gimme the money, ha ha.” But this time, someone took him seriously and the guy just decided to go for it. Want to find the perp? Go to a Buick dealership.

Mayhem Hits Home: A family in Rosewood was probably scared s#!tless when a reckless driver drove a car into their home early one morning. The driver smashed through the front wall of the home. Sounds like mayhem to us; what would the Allstate guy have to say about this? Luckily nobody was injured in the Ricky Bobby-esque driving incident.

Motel Parking: It’s bad enough to have to stay in a motel, but it’s adding insult to injury to have your parked car stolen while you’re there. Cops were tipped off to a break-in at a motel in the Harbison area. When the authorities arrived, a 21-year-old male suspect attempted to speed away in the car he’d broken into, leading the police on a chase that ended up with the suspect crashing. The suspect was injured and arrested, and some poor sap’s car is muffed up. Proving one universal law: Nothing costs more than a cheap motel.

Hand-to-Hand: A cop saw a 20-year-old doing a drug deal near a gas station in Northeast Columbia. The officer checked out the suspect’s license plate number and found that plate was expired. After doing the check, the cop tried to pull the suspect over for the expired tags and the drug transaction. The suspect ignored the blue lights and attempted to drive away, hitting a civilian’s car as well as a cop car before crashing. The suspect was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries — but with a f#!ked-up car.

Party Van: If you’re cooking meth in your van, you want to draw as little attention as possible to your vehicle. (Remember, serial killer Son of Sam was nabbed because of a parking violation.) Authorities were alerted to a home where a van was playing music too loud. (For some reason, we’re imagining that it was Guns N Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle.”) When the authorities showed up to check out the noise, they found items used for cooking meth — and you know cops can spot that stuff right away. Like a bad episode of Breaking Bad, there were eight people in the garage next to the van. All of them were arrested, opening up space for some smarter criminals to step up to the plate.

Tip of the Week: Unless you’re an obsessive video gamer at an arcade, breaking into something for change is usually a waste of time. Two suspects drove up to a gas station in Northeast Columbia, broke an air compressor stand and stole the change that was in it. This sounds as crazy as Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman’s character tearing the heads off the parking meters. In addition to the money stolen, the suspects’ stunt caused an estimated $1,500 worth of damage. (It’s kind of like breaking into a car and messing up its windows just to take change out of the ashtray.) No arrests have been made, but authorities should be looking at every Coinstar machine in the area.

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