Crime Blotter

Motorcyclist Muffs Up Mailbox in Northeast Columbia

Plus: Funny Money

By Preach Jacobs
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Illustration by Jason Crosby
Need For Speed: A 36-year-old man was nabbed after a high-speed motorcycle chase ended with him muffing up someone’s mailbox in northeast Columbia. It began when a cop saw the suspect speeding and tried to try to stop him for a violation. Mr. Fast & Furious attempted to evade the cop, but ended up losing control and crashing. The suspect also had an illegal weapon in his possession. The driver sustained only non-life threatening injuries, but had the worst day ever. Maybe if this guy isn’t the best driver on the ‘cycle, he shouldn’t have been speeding in the first place.

Funny Money: Three men were arrested and sentenced after passing counterfeit money. The suspects went to a department store in northeast Columbia to buy televisions and an Xbox using counterfeit bills with the help of an employee at the store who was in on the caper. The employee, for his efforts, was given $800 in fake bills. So, the guy willingly takes counterfeit money as a prize? Not the brightest crayon in the box. Here are two tips to know whether money is counterfeit: 1) Use those little pens to strike across the bill (I’ve even had kids selling candy do this with cash) and 2) If you see Obama as the president on the note, it’s probably not real.

Diamonds & Pearls: Authorities are looking for four suspects who got away with over $100,000 worth of diamonds from a jewelry shop in north Columbia. The group worked in unison: Three of the looters spoke to clerks, distracting them, while the last guy walked to the back and snatched the jewelry by taking trays from a safe and stuffing them in his suit jacket. Maybe a place that has high-end jewelry should have better failsafes so someone can’t just sneak in and snatch a bunch of diamonds. That’s a trick more commonly seen at a fast-food joint when your friend gets a cup for water but instead gets Sprite.

Stay Put: Four men were about to rob a bar in north Columbia until a security guard in the area went Paul Blart and stopped it before it unfolded. The guard saw two men getting out of a car and putting on masks. Once the guard approached, the guys ran off, leaving the other two suspects in the car. (Maybe it would have been better to just get back in the vehicle and drive away.) Cops eventually caught all four suspects.

Can You Hear Me Now?: A crime happened at a cell phone shop in northeast Columbia, and it wasn’t the astronomical prices or the stupid “Framily” commercials. A couple got into an argument while at the store, and it ended with the wife going to the car, grabbing a pistol and shooting the husband — while the kids were in the car. The husband was taken to the hospital, the wife was arrested, and the employees all wondered why don’t they work in an Apple store instead. (Nobody ever gets shot there.)

Tip of the Week: If you’re about to get pulled over in a stolen vehicle, just give up. If you take the coppers on a chase, it usually ends with you crashing and your ass still going to jail (after going to the hospital). A 44-year-old man fled a traffic stop, leading cops on a five-mile car chase through downtown Columbia before crashing. The suspect then fled on foot before getting caught; cops found him hiding in a nearby building. The suspect was arrested, and he messed up the stolen car. A win-win for all involved.

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