Rant & Rave

I’ve Seen Better Tackling at a High School Game

Plus: Sincerely Yours, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

By Free Times Readers
Wednesday, September 3, 2014 |
This is for the guy looking for the ‘50s and ‘60s music and the bluegrass (Rant & Rave, Aug. 27): Why don’t you get off some of that income and get Sirius radio? Get with the times, buddy.

Gamecock fans: I’m sorry, but I have to tell you I’ve seen better tackling at a high school game than I saw against Texas A&M. They kept saying y’all have freshmen cornerbacks — did they mean high school freshmen!? Hell, if you need I can get my 6-year-old daughter out there for you at practice this week and show your boys how to wrap up when you tackle.

Free Times, everybody does not love Gamecock football in Columbia. I couldn’t give a s#!t about Gamecock football (Cover, “Great to Be a Gamecock,” Aug. 27). You ought to know better than to assume that I do. You are getting as bad as our pathetic local newspaper with Gamecock football all over every damn section. It’s driving me nuts. Goodbye.

Gamecock fans showed a complete lack of class by disrupting the Texas A&M pep rally on the State House grounds. Shame.

The Chicken Curse lives on.

Dude, did you see the cover of Free Times (Cover, “Welcome to the City of USC, Aug. 20)? Welcome to Columbia? It should have said, “Flee Columbia or face the wrath of Cockzilla!”

Women, if you want equal pay to my dollar, because I’m a man, you need to do a couple things. One, put your own toilet seat down. It’s not my job to put the toilet seat down for you, if you want to make the same amount as me. Two, kill your own bugs. Quit waking me up at 3 o’clock in the morning to kill a damn spider in the bathroom when you can do it yourself.

To my ex-boyfriend: Have fun downgrading! I hope she has fun sitting in all the spots [where] we did it in your truck. Oh, and seeing every scar on your back from me. I know that will make your relationship 10x stronger. You’re going to need all that strength for her fat ass. Sincerely yours, crazy ex-girlfriend.

Is it weird that all these criminals that are causing all this chaos in our city are all black? Somebody’s mama needs to take care of them. Don’t let them loose in the grocery store, you know what’s going to happen.

My mom’s neighbors are Mexicans. They are dope heads. Go back to Mexico. Thank you.

Listen up, dominant group: The black man that you despise and fear is the black man you have made.

Yes, shouldn’t the president yell “fore” before they kick us in our balls?

Hey, let’s give ISIS more weapons, and we can throw in boots and maybe Obamacare.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are making the rounds again. They are also known as Flip and Flop. They will be coming to a comedy house near you.

So, let me get this straight: If I work for Uber, I won’t have to pick up any of the ghetto people in South Carolina and Columbia? Where do I sign up?

DSS and the Social Security Administration both have presidents, CEOs or whatever in charge of them companies. Why blame it on Gov. Nikki Haley? She’s the best governor we’ve had in years.

Yes, I just saw a commercial with Nikki Haley. She had a little girl endorsing her. I guess she was about 14, 15 years old, saying “Nikki Haley has my back.” Well, this is my question: What in the hell does a damn teenager know about politics? Let me help you with that: F#!king nothing.

How many licks will it take to get to the center of Nikki Haley’s agenda?

I tell you who would make an excellent governor: Tom Turnipseed. He knows how to get out there and mingle with the homeless. He knows how to talk to them. He knows how to treat them. He knows $20 a week ain’t going to feed a family.

Thanks, Columbia for having really beautiful spots around town, like the Three Rivers greenway and Lake Murray. But the most beautiful sight to see is the incredible smiles of the beautiful blondes arriving on campus at USC. Thank you, Columbia! Thanks for listening, have a lovely day.

Yes, I would like to protest against the girls with dirty underwear. Thank God for candy condoms.

The next time we give our enemies weapons, please pull the pin. Because, I’m an expert. Just pull the pin. And don’t throw the pin. Throw the weapon.

Hey government, let’s play war. I’ll lay down and you can blow me up.

My cousin is homeschooled. He fell in love with his teacher.

The state of South Carolina is going to get in trouble with these managers. The labor movement needs to step up. If these managers are keeping these employees’ checks that have either quit or got fired and not sending it to [their] house, they going to get audited. You do not keep nobody’s hard earned pay, even if it is a dollar. Give it to the person. Send it. The IRS gonna be after South Carolina.

Yes, several people have been talking about the bus transition. COMET, get on the ball. Don’t listen to people saying they don’t want the buses going down here. They did it before the penny tax. This state is trying to grow and the older ones are trying to keep it back. Move out the way. If you don’t want no change, stay where you at. Let somebody else come in. Resign.

Someone please tell the president that the rabbit is in the hat.

Why would anyone buy a home and open a business in it? It seems in Richland County you can, because the zoning laws don’t seem to be enforced by the office of zoning.

Yes, I have a drinking problem. I ran out of beer and the pickle juice ain’t cutting the mustard.

Hello? Hello? What the hell, I’m out of pickles.

Here’s a rave to the city of Columbia Police department for doing their job in front of Dreher High School, slowing those speeders down. The sign says “Speed Limit 25.” Good job, City of Columbia.

I enjoyed watching the MTV Video Music Awards, even though MTV doesn’t show music videos.

Only in America can you be rich and famous and have no talent, like Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber.

Every time I talk to a nonprofit organization, foundation, association or agency, I always seem to find that it’s a celebration at your meetings. You eat, you play raffle tickets, yay! Oh, when it comes to the issue, how many people show up? Well, in the blind community it seems to be no one. When are you going to get off your duff, blind people?

Yes, I got some feedback about foxes and cougars around Columbia (Rant & Rave, Aug. 27). My roommate called me a cougar, but I think I’m a fox.

This is a rant about babies. To the owner of a convenience store on Percival Road: Your baby looks exactly like me.

I can babysit the babysitter, but she better look good.

I’m glad that South Carolina is a state that has no prejudiced people, no riots, no crooked sheriffs, no crooked politicians … HAHAHA!

Hey, walker on Saluda Avenue: It don’t take rocket science to simply watch where the hell you’re going (Rant & Rave, Aug. 27).

Columbia Police Department, if you can serve on a church for loud music, why can’t you serve on these scumballs for disturbing their neighbors? You say you can’t do nothing about it until 10 or 11 o’clock at night. Get real, city police.

This rant is about loud music in a fast food restaurant. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Pass me my meds, Debbie.

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