Crime Blotter

Don’t Call Me Chicken

By Preach Jacobs
Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Don’t Call Me Chicken: A man walked into a grocery store in North Columbia and stole five packages of chicken. (No word on whether he stole some Mrs. Dash seasoning or something to go with it.) Employees saw the suspect flee and followed him out the store. Once confronted, the suspect pulled a knife. The suspect got away.

Pornhub: A man was emptying his garbage when he saw a 20-year-old man standing next to some trees, exposing himself and masturbating while watching something on his phone. (Porn on iPhones is a sign of the end times: Some men can’t get any work done, plus they’re using up their bandwidth long before the billing cycle ends.) The witness got into his van, and the suspect approached the vehicle and asked the witness to have sex with him. The witness declined, and the suspect reached into the van and grabbed the driver’s crotch. The victim got away and probably needed a long shower. The suspect was arrested.

Pot-O-Gold: A 47-year-old man and a 34-year-old man were arrested after authorities found five illegal gambling machines at their business in Lexington. Considering they had five machines, the men weren’t exactly bringing in Wolf of Wall Street money: Cops found just $70 on the premises. Both suspects posted a $2,500 bond, and they’re probably starting to realize that their business investment hasn’t really panned out.

Trapped in the Closet: A suspect got more than he bargained for after hiding in the closet at a home in northeast Columbia until the couple living there arrived home. The suspect jumped out of the closet and pushed the husband and wife to the ground, but the husband was able to get a knife and stab the suspect in self-defense. The suspect fled; no arrests have been made.

Three Stooges: Three young men, ages 17, 18 and 19, broke into a home and stole a few items. But these guys weren’t all that smart: They apparently hadn’t bothered to figure out whether anyone was home. The female homeowner called the cops, and the three guys were caught a mile up the road after a deputy saw an SUV that fit the description. It didn’t help the burglars’ cause that they still had the items they’d stolen in the vehicle.

Tip of the Week: If you’re driving around in a mobile meth lab that’s also filled with weed and a gun, you might want to drive the speed limit. A 48-year-old man was pulled over for speeding in his vehicle in the Blythewood area. Once the authorities approached the car, they smelled weed. Upon searching the vehicle, they found the weed they’d smelled, a gun and a mobile meth lab in the trunk. Things aren’t looking too good for this guy; maybe he at least got to watch the Super Bowl in the can.

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