Don’t Call Me Chicken: A man walked into a grocery store in North Columbia and stole five packages of chicken. (No word on whether he stole some Mrs. Dash seasoning or something to go with it.) Employees saw the suspect flee and followed him out the store. Once confronted, the suspect pulled a knife. The suspect got away.
Pornhub: A man was emptying his garbage when he saw a 20-year-old man standing next to some trees, exposing himself and masturbating while watching something on his phone. (Porn on iPhones is a sign of the end times: Some men can’t get any work done, plus they’re using up their bandwidth long before the billing cycle ends.) The witness got into his van, and the suspect approached the vehicle and asked the witness to have sex with him. The witness declined, and the suspect reached into the van and grabbed the driver’s crotch. The victim got away and probably needed a long shower. The suspect was arrested.
Pot-O-Gold: A 47-year-old man and a 34-year-old man were arrested after authorities found five illegal gambling machines at their business in Lexington. Considering they had five machines, the men weren’t exactly bringing in Wolf of Wall Street money: Cops found just $70 on the premises. Both suspects posted a $2,500 bond, and they’re probably starting to realize that their business investment hasn’t really panned out.
Trapped in the Closet: A suspect got more than he bargained for after hiding in the closet at a home in northeast Columbia until the couple living there arrived home. The suspect jumped out of the closet and pushed the husband and wife to the ground, but the husband was able to get a knife and stab the suspect in self-defense. The suspect fled; no arrests have been made.
Three Stooges: Three young men, ages 17, 18 and 19, broke into a home and stole a few items. But these guys weren’t all that smart: They apparently hadn’t bothered to figure out whether anyone was home. The female homeowner called the cops, and the three guys were caught a mile up the road after a deputy saw an SUV that fit the description. It didn’t help the burglars’ cause that they still had the items they’d stolen in the vehicle.
Tip of the Week: If you’re driving around in a mobile meth lab that’s also filled with weed and a gun, you might want to drive the speed limit. A 48-year-old man was pulled over for speeding in his vehicle in the Blythewood area. Once the authorities approached the car, they smelled weed. Upon searching the vehicle, they found the weed they’d smelled, a gun and a mobile meth lab in the trunk. Things aren’t looking too good for this guy; maybe he at least got to watch the Super Bowl in the can.
3LAU on Sunday, October 26th and the Unofficial Skrillex Mothership Tour After-Party on the 27th. More information and tickets for both can be found here. VIP tables available.
The Other Place at Trustus Theatre
Juliana Smithton is a successful neurologist whose life seems to be coming unhinged. A mystery unfolds as fact blurs with fiction, past collides with present and the elusive truth of Juliana’s mental health boils to the surface in The Other Place, running at Trustus Theatre October 17th through November 1st. There will be a talk-back following the matinee on October 19th. Tickets can be purchased here or by calling the box office at 803-254-9732.
Four Miles, Twelve Doughnuts
Winston’s Wish aims to increase knowledge and understanding of children with autism, and you can help by participating in the 4.donut Race on October 25th. Start at Edventure Children’s Museum, run 2 miles to Krispy Kreme, eat 12 doughnuts, and run back! Registration is required and can be done here before October 23rd at 5 p.m.
Bluegrass, Bidding, and BBQ
Join The Palladium Society Thursday, October 23rd from 7-10 p.m. for its 11th annual silent auction, featuring music by The Mustache Brothers and catering by Bourbon and The Oak Table. Tickets are $30 at the door and include admission, drinks, and food. Get yours online now!
King Lear in Finlay Park
October 16th-18th and 22nd-25th, the South Carolina Shakespeare Company presents William Shakespeare’s King Lear. All performances held at the Finlay Park Ampitheatre at 7:30 PM. For tickets and more information, click here or call 803-665-2000.
SEARCH FREE TIMES
Currently seeking a friendly & detail-oriented individual for an Administrative Assistant/Data Entry Clerk position on our Administrative Office team. Primary responsibilities include: Data entry, process incoming & outgoing mail, good communication skills required. Contact: email@example.com.
Cupcake now hiring a closing manager. Must be outgoing, customer service focused, able to work evenings and weekends. Apply in person. 1213 Lincoln Street, Columbia SC 29201. freshcupcakes.com
Local business is searching for new associates who are looking for a fun environment to earn great wages. Great position for college students/recent graduates. Must be well-mannered with excellent customer service skills/work ethic/ability to lift heavy items/must have valid Driver’s License. Call 803-376-4884 or email resume: firstname.lastname@example.org.
U.S. Security Associates
Now hiring immediately for armed and unarmed security officers. WE TRAIN YOU! Columbia & surrounding areas. ussecurityassociates.com
Real Estate Spotlight
Mungo Homes. Celebrating 60 years of our family building for your family. mungo.com