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Rant & Rave

Doesn’t He Have a Federal Cocaine Charge?

Plus: Rant & Rave Makes Crazies Feel Comfortable

By Free Times Readers
Wednesday, July 9, 2014 |
I picked up the issue today, and it says T-Rav is running for Senate. Well, doesn’t he have a federal cocaine charge where he went to prison? Can you still run for office in this state, having that kind of a background? All I can say is — unbelievable.

Who at WIS had the dumbass attack and didn’t renew Ben Hoover’s contract? Next to Craig Melvin and Dawndy Mercer Plank, he was the best thing going. They need to lose their market share and high ratings over this injustice! 

Yeah, I’m really digging Dawndy Mercer Planck’s new Tonya Harding hairstyle. Not!

A rant to the local heat: I hope cellist Jari Piper wasn’t treated the same way I was when I tried to play my guitar on the street in Five Points (Music, “DIY Cellist Jari Piper Chases Modern Classical Music in Clubs and on Street Corners,” July 2). I had barely got it out of the case when a cop told me I was going to jail if I didn’t leave. Playing the guitar is considered panhandling. No wonder Austin and New Orleans are so packed with talent. Thanks for the forum.

This is a rant to the U.S. military trainers who trained the Iraqi army. Wow. You certainly did a good job. They ran when we came, they ran after you left, and they’re still
running. Is that what y’all taught ‘em?

Just wanted to say, as a resident of South Carolina I think Gov. Haley does an excellent job for the people in this state. At a time when most politicians are assisting the current administration in trampling on the people’s rights, she is standing up for them. You have my support, Gov. Haley! And she’s absolutely the most gorgeous politician I’ve ever helped elect. 

Oh, Free Times — a pox on your house for the “14 Things to Do This Fourth of July Weekend” story. You’ve got Jonathan Pinson on trial, allegations of misconduct against Mayor Benjamin and the Sheriff Metts indictments — and no cover story?! WTF?! Free Times: These stories have your name all over them! Wanted a week off, did you? 

I just thought I’d take a moment to say thank you, Rant & Rave. It’s really therapeutic to leave a message and get stuff off your chest, as well as read them, because it’s good to know that you’re surrounded by more crazy than what’s going on in your head. [deep breath] Have a good day!

No coupons in the Free Times any more: Gee, I was wondering why I haven’t been to Sandy’s for a hot dog in over a year. That must be it. No coupons for Sandy’s dogs in the Free Times. 

Yeah, the 50 People Who Get Things Done in the Capital City issue (Cover story, June 25)? Where’s our fire chief, Aubrey Jenkins? He wasn’t even in the top 100. Let’s think about it, Free Times. He hasn’t burned the city down.

Yeah, I was in Washington, D.C., the other day, and I walked past the Department of Energy. Right downtown. So I walked inside and asked if they could help me with all the outrageous rate hikes we been getting from SCE&G lately. You know what they told me? They said no! I was on my own! Thanks a f#!kin’ lot! I guess SCE&G is gonna take everything I own! Thanks, Department of Energy! Thanks, SCE&G! Have a nice day.

Yeah, this is a rave to one of the bouncers at Bird Dog in Five Points. I was there a couple of weeks ago with my baby sister, and it was her birthday, and he gave her five dollars and a big hug. And I just wanted to say thanks, bro. You really made my sister’s night. I hope you have the greatest time of your life in Five Points. Bird Dog rules.

Cousin-lovin’ rant: Sheriff James R. Metts has a 10-count indictment for bribery and corruption. [A judge set bond at] $100,000 and Metts paid not one penny in lieu of said bond? Released on his own recognizance and surrendered his guns and passport?! I didn’t wear my seatbelt and paid a fine of $25. That was still more than James R. Metts paid! 

[singing] Nothing could finer / Than to live in South Carolina / Than in June, July or August!

Hey. The person who [said] about the smallest building in South Carolina is the Clemson University Sports Hall of Fame [Rant & Rave, July 2]? Well, they didn’t start letting blacks in until 1963. That’s when they started winning games. That’s my rant! [about two minutes of gospel music and static]

Um, I saw the girls at the Miss South Carolina beauty pageant. I guess this year’s theme song was “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Yeah.

I thought there was some hope for decent music on the radio in Columbia. Turns out I was wrong. As I turned on 102.3 a month or so ago I heard some different tunes, I liked most of them. Then I noticed a terrible trend. Nearly every time I wanted some tunes, I was hearing the most godawful music — worse than I could even imagine, even for Columbia. Simply put, Ozzy Osbourne, Tom Petty and Pink Floyd have always sucked and will always suck. If you like them, there is a really swell chance you are in fact brain dead and should be arrested for smoking crack or something. 

I have a hard time explaining puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.

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