Rant & Rave

Blessed with Amazing Karma

Plus: You're Already the Messiah

By Free Times Readers
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Need to get something off your chest? Leave a message with your rant or rave at 765-0707 ext. 126 or email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Submissions will be edited for length and spelling but not grammar. Please limit emailed submissions to 100 words.Got a gripe about your kids or family? Email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

What’s up with all these cute little meter maids working in the city of Columbia? I mean those girls make me almost want to get a parking ticket. I mean, damn.

There’s an exit every mile on 285 going around Atlanta. Do we Southerners have to keep proving to those Yankees how dumb we are?

A rave for equal opportunity! Bieber is charged with DUI, reckless driving and resisting arrest. My neighbor from Croatia who had a green card was stopped and charged with DUI in Charlotte. The next day he was put on a plane back to Croatia, without any opportunity to pack his belongings or his tools, which are his livelihood back home. Think the Bieber will be given the same opportunity of having his ass kicked back home as my ex-neighbor?

Why won’t my stalker text me back? 

A rave for your article, “Horror Behind These Walls” (Cover, Jan. 22). Obviously, we need to revert the old State Hospital property right back to a facility for the mentally ill.

I have a rant about the title used in the article about the mentally ill in prison (“Horrors Behind These Walls,” Jan. 22). The use of the word “horrors” is an understatement. Between that and the enlightened commentary by Marzi Knight about the Bull Street ball park proposal, I completely forgot to read the Rant & Rave.

Huge rave to the guy who found my wallet at the river walk and returned it. Sorry I wasn’t there to thank you in person. May you be blessed with amazing karma.

I’m going to miss the WIS reporter Taylor Kearns. He was goofy as hell, but he was a good reporter.

This is to the people who decided to leave out Lexington’s biggest smoke shop in last week’s edition of the Annual Manual (Shopping, Jan. 29). Have any of you ever been there? Sh#!t, if they served food I would never leave. Not cool, guys. 

To the “thrifted arts” ranter (Rant & Rave, Jan. 29): I am a local artist, and I have no problem with saving thrifted arts from landfills, whether by digital or analog means. I’m well aware of the laws, such as Fair Use, Parody and Public Domain acts. So you do your thing, and I’ll do mine. Be positive. I am That Godzilla Guy, and That Godzilla Guy means: ME. 

A big rant to the inbred South Carolina politicians and their supporters. They have made it legal for straight couples who are first cousins to marry and have children, but it is illegal for two people not related who are gay to get married. No wonder South Carolina is ranked high in all the undesirable polls like poor education, drug use, murders, abuse of women, etc. No wonder the hottest discussion topic in the state is the Confederate Flag on the State House lawn.

Robert St. Onge Jr., department of transportation director handpicked by Gov. tricky Nikki Haley. I got a new motto for you: ”You drink. You drive. You get a job as director of Department of Transportation.” Thank you, South Carolina. You can’t make this stuff up. Robert St. Onge Jr., [arrested for] DUI! Yes. Shut it down.

You know what I’m thankful for? I’m thankful for when I can go in a public restroom and have enough tissue to wipe my ass.

Now that winter is upon us, I’m just wondering if Free Times did as I suggested and opened their office to the homeless, who they support so diligently.

I was happy when Hootie, I mean Darius Rucker, won a Grammy award. Yeah.

Yeah, I’m a six-foot-five, 300-pound man and there are very few things in life that scare me. But you know what scares me? Getting my electric bill from SCE&G. Thank you.

Obama, are you going to visit with Billy Graham or are you going to be the only president that doesn’t? Oh, wait, that’s right — you’re already the messiah, why go to one of the underlings? You won’t print this.

I just wanted to say, uh, ”Guns in bars! Oh boy!” What took South Carolina so long to figure that one out? That’s all I got.

Are Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus the same person? You never see them in the same room.

To whom it may concern: It feels nice to be nice. Maybe if you try that, then it could possibly ease that redness and inflammation that you find in your neck sometimes. Thank you.

Yeah, I have a rant: Who allowed a Clemson billboard to be put up on I-126 headed into Columbia? This is Gamecock country. What’s up with that?

My nephew isn’t very bright. I think he’s going to college to major in underwater basket weaving. Yeah.

I told my wife I’m going to quit my job to be a comedian. She said, “Go ahead. You’ll probably starve, but at least you can say you tried.” Yeah.

America is proof there is no God. Israel is proof there is no Yahweh. Syria is proof there is no Allah.

Get over it. The homeless are going to be homeless, hungry and horny, people. You can’t ship them out of town; it’s a violation of their civil rights. There will always be whores, drug addicts and drunks. Take a valium. Find God.

The mayor and City Council want to have a new minor league baseball park. But no, I can’t get a new trashcan. Yeah.

Kudos to Rand Paul for reminding us of a time in this country when the worst thing we had to worry about was a stain on a dress.

Printer-friendly version

Let us know what you think: Email editor@free-times.com.

More news

Enter to win tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters
Enter to win tickets to SCSM's Museum of Oz
Enter to win tickets to Columbia City Ballet's Gala with a Bite and Dracula
Free Times Now Hiring
Download the Free Times app
Subscribe to Free Times newsletters