Rant & Rave

Inappropriate and Lewd Behavior Almost Every Day

Plus: Knock it off, guys

By Free Times Readers
Wednesday, October 23, 2013 |
I am so tired of people thinking that just because I am Russian, I have five consecutively smaller people inside of me. Knock it off, guys. 

Is Papa John’s related to Jimmy John’s? Hmm.

I wanted to go to the State Fair, but they don’t let you carry marijuana or wear camouflage pants. They lost some customers.

Dear South Carolina State Fair competitive exhibit judges: I question your eye for photography when you allow six photos of the Gervais Street Bridge into your exhibit. This happens yearly. How many photos do we need of the same effing bridge?!

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better article than Tug Baker (Tug. Eats. Everything., Oct. 16).

You know, it was great to turn on the TV and see a South Carolina man doing yard work on the National Mall. You know why? Because in South Carolina, we do care.

I’m putting out a $20 reward for information leading to the recovery of my wife.

I can’t decide which is more appalling: (1) With three years and unlimited resources, Obama can’t get a website to work, but he wants us to believe he knows how to run the entire health care system, or (2) There are actually suckers stupid enough to fall for it. 

With the latest shooting in Five Points, isn’t it time to close Five Points?

Five Points’ college kids are an easy target and I’m sure underage drinking tickets bring you some easy money, but if that’s the worst these kids are doing, how many of them have to be hurt, shot or robbed before you realize the REAL issues? Is Columbia going to be the new Compton or the next site of an American massacre because you’re too scared to pursue real crimes? Do your jobs and stop enabling tragedies.

It occurs to me that there was a time when the gang bangers didn’t hang out in Five Points simply because the coeds wouldn’t have anything to do with them. Progress, tolerance, acceptance — isn’t it great?

This chap that [allegedly] shot the girl in Five Points has a fairly easy way to get out of the whole thing. All he has to do is hire Todd Rutherford as his defense attorney and say he was just standing his ground because he was alarmed by something.

I want to give a big THANK YOU to the incredibly drunk guy at the Toro Y Moi show at the Columbia Art Museum the other night. You entertained me with your excessive dancing and slurred words while I was super bored! You were AMAZING, making me laugh through the entire show while throwing back vodka tonics all night. Loved it. P.S.: You might need to seek professional help.

Good to see Dracula: Ballet with a Bite return again this year. It’s the only thing in Columbia worth getting out of my crypt for.

Columbia officials still don’t know how to make a Main Street. Why don’t they just drive to Greenville and look at theirs?

Great pictures of the library in Richland County (Cover Story, Oct. 16), but you forgot to take pictures of all the grody homeless people sitting at the tables.

Stating certain homeless individuals are not a problem at Richland Library is not only false, it’s disrespectful to the staff that are exposed to their inappropriate and lewd behavior almost every day (Cover Story, Oct. 16). For example, if someone says a sexual remark to a staff member and they inform security and that individual is asked to leave, but is welcomed back the very next day ... do you think that staff member feels comfortable now? Let’s face the facts here, Melanie, rather than expect the citizens of Columbia to turn a blind eye to this problem because you say so.

Is the shutdown of the federal government an act of terrorism or treason? Just wondering.

This is a rant about the fact that I’ve visited your lovely burg multiple times over the past couple months, and had a lot of fun. I sent in a couple raves about things like hitchhiking, waitresses’ birthdays and critter-saving that you didn’t find fit to print. I was OK with that, I guess. However, this rave I sent in about the marvelous Three Rivers Greenway should’ve made the cut! C’mon, Free Times! Free this rave!

This is a rave for the folks who operate and maintain the Three Rivers Greenway in Columbia. It is truly one of the jewels of the Capital City ... I had the very best walk of my life down there earlier this month with quite the beautiful blonde mesmerizing enchantress! Unforgettable.

To the blonde, curly-headed bartender from Lucky’s: You are the coolest!

OMG! How can this be?! My neighbor is a carpenter of renown. Why does the State of South Carolina tell me that I cannot buy a beautifully crafted casket from her (My Turn, Oct. 16)? How dare you, South Carolina?!

This is to the head alien (Rant & Rave, Oct. 16): Yes, you did leave many morons behind. I know a few you could pick up.

To the Head Alien (Rant & Rave, Oct. 2): This is Master Chief again. We found that if you pour water on the morons, they multiply. I fear that the coming precipitation will be too much for us to handle. We have tried keeping the morons inside as suggested by section gamma alpha nu tau, but there are too many to keep indoors. Requesting reinforcements.

When you mess up, ‘fess up. Don’t try to be better than everyone else. You’ll feel better about it in the morning.

If the preacher preaches what God says to preach, people would get mad and [the church would] lose money. If the preacher preaches to make people happy, God would get mad. It’s a no-win situation.

You’ve got something in this issue that says we’re all going to have to answer to God for our own deeds (Rant & Rave, Oct. 16). I’m not going to answer to some imaginary father figure who lives in the sky. God’s not real. You only think that he is because you’re afraid to die.

Let’s put this one to roost. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. The rooster came first.

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