WEDNESDAY 9

Wednesdays are for new music! Chicago new jazz titans Dave Rempis and Frank Rosaly lay the voodoo down as a duo tonight at the 701 Center for Contemporary Art; the music section has more.

Wednesdays are for old music! Though it’s no longer led by the man who lends his name to it, the Charles Wadsworth and Friends concert series continues under the helm of artistic director and cellist Edward Arron tonight at the Columbia Museum of Art. Arron, like Wadsworth, will get by with a little help from his friends: violinists Jennifer Frautschi and Jesse Mills, violists Hsin-Yung Huang and Nicholas Cords and cellist Peter Wiley performing works by Dvorak, Schoenberg and Mozart. The concert starts at 7 p.m. Admission is $35; $30 for members. Call 799-2810 or visit columbiamuseum.org for more information.

Wednesdays are for new movies! Coco Before Chanel is the story of Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel, who began her life as a headstrong orphan and pretty much queen bitch of 20th century fashion. That’s part of the film’s charm, according the Chicago Sun-Times’ Roger Ebert, who says Audrey Tautou (mmm … Audrey Tautou!) “avoids any effort to make Coco Chanel nice, or soft, or particularly sympathetic.” But the New York Post says Coco Before Chanel is “neither an affecting romance nor an inspiring success story.” As always, Eight Days encourages you, dear reader, to make up your own damn mind. The film opens today at the Nickelodeon Theatre, screening at 3, 5:30 and 8 p.m. Call 254-3433 for more information.


THURSDAY 10

Thursdays are for pianists! One of today’s premier pop pianists, Emile Pandolfi is a master ivory-tickler who commands an array of classical, popular, country and Broadway music. Of course, as it is the Christmas season, Pandolfi will be performing mostly holiday-themed music at 8 p.m. at the Newberry Opera House; tickets are $35. Call 276-6264 or visit newberryoperahouse.com for more information.


FRIDAY 11
 

Columbia City Ballet’s Nutcracker opens Friday at the Koger Center.

Fridays are for nutcrackin’! You’d think that after more than 30 years, the Columbia City Ballet’s interpretation of The Nutcracker might be as stale and hard to stomach as Grandma’s fruitcake. But the City Ballet never rolls out the same song and dance. Instead, City Ballet artistic director William Starrett promises fresh, all-new sequences, costumes and special effects. The City Ballet’s production opens at the Koger Center at 7:30 p.m.; tickets range from $15 to $46 and can be purchased by calling 251-2222 or by visiting koger.sc.edu.

Fridays are for alternative nutcrackin’! Perhaps you’ve grown weary of The Nutcracker, and you hope for someone to come along with a contemporary jazz twist on the yuletide classic? Hope no more, for the Columbia City Jazz Dance Company has heeded your call. The Two Claras puts a contemporary spin on The Nutcracker, utilizing contemporary pop music and modern jazz dance in updating Tchaikovsky’s Christmas opus. Plus, noted actress Andie McDowell narrates the evening performance. Neat. The Two Claras opens today at Drayton Hall; curtain rises at 7:30 p.m., and tickets are $10. Call 252-0252 or visit columbiacityjazz.com for more information.

Fridays are for comedy! Look, stand-up comic Bruce Bruce makes Martin Lawrence laugh, splitting the famous actor/comedian’s sides at a Lawrence-curated comedy special in 2008. To make noted funnyman Lawrence laugh that hard is no laughing matter, we’re sure, but Bruce Bruce is no stranger to splitting sides; he is a former host of BET’s Comic View, and he’s been featured in comedy specials on HBO and Comedy Central. Yeah, he’s funnier than you. He opens his three-night stint at the Comedy House tonight with shows at 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.; tickets are $25. Call 798-9898 or visit comedyhouse.com for more information.


SATURDAY 12
 

The Crafty Feast indie craft fair comes to the Tapp’s building at 1644 Main St. from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Dec. 12. Courtesy photo

Saturdays are for locally oriented craft fairs! The first Crafty Feast, held in May, was such a success that they’re doing it again. Should you have missed the first Crafty Feast, this is what you’re in for: Local music (this time in the form of record-spinning by local disk jockey Chris Wenner), local food (mmm … local food!) and local crafts galore.  And this time around, the feast has moved downtown: to the Tapp’s Building. The feasting begins at 11 a.m. and runs through 5 p.m. This ain’t your mama’s craft fair; visit craftyfeast.com for more information.


SUNDAY 13

Sundays are for raindrops, and their relationship to your noggin! Yes, reader, B.J. Thomas is the dude who will forever be known as the guy that sang “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.” But he’s also a well-respected pop singer with myriad other hits, including “Hooked on a Feeling,” “I Just Can’t Help Believin’” and “Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song,” each of which he’ll be performing at The Newberry Opera House at 3 and 8 p.m. Tickets for the matinee are $37.50, and the evening show will run you $32.50. Call 803-276-6264 or visit newberryoperahouse.com for more information.


MONDAY 14

Mondays are for, believe it or not, more nutcrackin’!  The New Sigmund Romberg Orchestra performs two sets of its A Viennese Christmas holiday show at the Newberry Opera House today; the program includes the overture to Strauss’ Die Fledermaus, a full suite from Babes in Toyland, several Broadway ­musicals, popular carols of the season and, of course, selections from The Nutcracker. The program plays at 3 and 8 p.m.; tickets for either are $37.50. Call 803-276-6264 or visit newberryoperahouse.com for more information.


TUESDAY 15
 

“You don’t like being called a rapist? Then don’t rape.” Anti-comedian Neil Hamburger performs at The Whig on Tuesday.

Tuesdays are for America’s funnyman! At first glance, Neil Hamburger is quite possibly the worst stand-up comedian in history. He sports a greasy comb-over and a worn-out tuxedo. His droll pacing and deadpan delivery are terrible. He clears his throat non-stop throughout his entire routine. He spills drinks on audience members. He abuses hecklers and fans alike. His routines are full of anticlimactic jokes, disappointingly bad puns and tasteless, vulgar non-sequiturs. For most comedians it would be a guaranteed ticket to career suicide, but Hamburger’s finely tuned and downright hysterical anti-humor has garnered a cult following. His performance at The Whig at 8 p.m. promises to be particularly perplexing, but if you’re not peeing in your pants by the end, you might want to get the doctor to take a look at your funny bone. Tickets are $8; call 931-8852 or visit thewhig.org for more information. Sorry, junior, but this gig is 21 and up only, and no Tuesday tacos for non-ticketholders.

Tuesdays are for chamber music! Remember what Eight Days told you last week about The Upton Trio? That they’re an elegant and exciting chamber trio? Well, yeah, they are. The Upton Trio plays The White Mule tonight; the arts section has more on page 22.


WEDNESDAY 16

Wednesdays are for giving beloved kids’ toys what for! Today is Barbie and Barney Backlash Day. Perhaps more importantly, today is National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day. Mmm … chocolate-covered anything!