This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.
 

Illustration by Jason Crosby

Drive Thru: On March 3, officers stopped by the home of a 28-year-old female because of reports that she had been selling drugs out of her kitchen window. (Whatever happened to hot pies on the windowsill?) When officers arrived at her home, they saw baggies and digital scales. She was arrested. If she was really looking for a stay-at-home gig, couldn’t she have gotten one of those Internet jobs rating web sites?

If It Smells Like Weed … : On March 2, officers patrolling River Drive saw a 44-year-old male driving near a house where frequent drug use has occurred. When the driver saw the police, he quickly turned his car around and dropped something out of his hand. The officers stopped the man and smelled weed and alcohol on him. When asked, the man admitted to the weed and informed them that he’d had four bottles of a malt liquor energy drink. What will they invent next? He was arrested.

Which Way Did He Go?: On Feb. 28, officers saw a suspicious-looking car in the opposite lane heading onto the interstate from Broad River Road. When an officer approached the driver, the man had a heavy odor of alcohol and slurred speech. The 25-year-old male suspect failed all of his sobriety tests and also didn’t realize he was driving with two flat-ass tires (apparently caused when he hit a curb while trying to get on the interstate). When asked where he was heading, the intoxicated driver said he was “heading to a strip club.” Well, there were no boobies for him that night. He was arrested.

An Offer He Can Refuse: On Feb. 26, a 22-year-old male was at a court hearing involving an armed robbery in which he was the victim. While waiting outside the courtroom, the victim was approached by two relatives of one of the suspects involved in the robbery and allegedly offered a bribe. The relatives asked the man to change his story about the robbery and said he would be paid if he cooperated. When he refused, the relatives threatened him and said he needs to “watch his back.”

Play Dead: On March 2, a 22-year-old male was pulled over because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. When officers approached him, they found weed. When officers tried to arrest him, the suspect first went limp and then ran. He was then tased and calmed the hell down. He was arrested.

Tip of the Week: If you’re trying to be deceptive, it might be in your best interest not to leave clues that lead to you getting caught. On March 4, officers were looking for a 19-year-old male suspect who had fled from a vehicle. The officers looked in the car the suspect had jumped out of and saw the keys to the car and one shoe in the front seat. While searching the area, officers saw a young male walking around casually as if he was oblivious to the police search. When approached by officers, the man told them he was “visiting a friend” and was hoping to be on his way. Using the keen powers of great detecting, officers noticed that the 19-year-old male was walking around with only one shoe and that the one he was wearing matched the one in the car. The suspect was arrested.         

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