Since here we are in year three of what could be called the era of the worst offensive line play in the nation — the University of South Carolina again will finish last in the Southeastern Conference in rushing for the third straight year as well as finishing 108th out of 120 teams in sacks allowed, also last in the SEC, and 11th in scoring offense in the SEC, 102nd natioanlly — it’s high time to kick some ass, to put it bluntly.

Since their play against Florida was a joke, especially since the unit absolutely quit following the critical fourth-quarter interception — something the defense, it should be noted, did not do — let’s let them know, shall we, just how bad they are and in what esteem they are held. If anyone on the line wants to disagree, please, prove it against Clemson. Without further ado, here is my take on how truly soft and embarrassing this line is (and for the record, I made all of these up without any help).

I’m not saying they’re soft, but there was a Charmin scout in the press box.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but with chocolate and graham crackers you can make S’mores.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but they do soften your hands while you do the dishes.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but wearing matching Snuggies on the sidelines doesn’t help.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but silkworms in China are worried.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but the line’s favorite sports movie is Ladybugs.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Eskimos have been known to hunt them for their pelts.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but fainting goats make fun of them.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but nine out of 10 new mothers recommend them for their babies to guard against wetness.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but one lineman in the media guide lists his “favorite food” as “shopping!”

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Sara McLaughlin made a commercial about them.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Sports Illustrated wants them for the cover. Of the swimsuit issue.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but just add one to your next load of laundry and you won’t believe the difference!

I’m not saying they’re soft, but they surrendered to a French exchange student on campus.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but one lineman in the media guide listed his “biggest fear” as “getting pregnant.”

I’m not saying they’re soft, but a couple of linemen expressed disappointment when they learned that “getting new Under Armour” didn’t mean a fresh case of maxi pads.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but the line thought that “The Garnet Way” referred to a menstrual cycle.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but placing them around your doors and windows in winter could save you up to 10 percent off your next heating bill.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Spurrier knew he was in for a long night against Florida when he overheard one linemen say during warm-ups, “I sure don’t like the looks of those guys!”

I’m not saying they’re soft, but makeup companies in the past have used them to test new products on.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but instead of Gatorade in between plays, the training staff brings out bottles of formula.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but they did ask their doctor about Vagisil.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but calling them “pansies” is an insult to that hardy flower.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but in a recent charity scrimmage with the Special Olympics, Stephen Garcia was sacked 17 times.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Oil of Olay has sued for copyright infringement.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Heathwood Hall is trying to get on the schedule for 2013.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but a recent workout with fitness guru Richard Simmons was stopped early due to complaints he was “too mean.”

I’m not saying they’re soft, but they have their own daquiri at Wet Willie’s.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but only one chromosome separates them from cashmere.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but one of the linemen’s cars sports a bumper sticker that reads, “I brake for frat boys!”

I’m not saying they’re soft, but eggs over-easy order them.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but they’ve given away more sacks than Publix.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but they make a baby’s butt feel like a chainsaw.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but in the film room, linemen say 11 sacks this year were attributable to “mosquitos,” another six to “the sun,” and the rest to “I wasn’t ready yet.”

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Pampers has hired a private detective.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but the Japanese believe that praying to them ensures the birth of a gay male child.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Cupcakes Local 252 has filed a grievance.

And last, but not least:
I’m not saying they’re soft, but you could wipe your ass with a lot worse. 


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