I’m just calling to rant about all these tiny-ass little white lights that people hang on their house now. Whatever happened to the good old, big-bulb colored lights? Things just ain’t what they used to be.

USC is going to the Papa John’s Bowl. But doesn’t Spurrier do commercials for DiGiorno?

This is in response to the dumbass who asked if Hannah Montana is the same person as Miley Cyrus (Dec. 9). Have you been living under a rock? Duh. Get a clue.

OK, so you know that chicken place over in West Columbia? They used to have that sign up that said how many accident-free days, and it was my favorite thing to go by there and see how long it had been since some idiot had screwed up. Well they quit putting the numbers up there. They need to put the numbers back up there. That’s the only reason I ever went to West Columbia and I’m boycotting it until it’s fixed.

I think it is high time Lexington County got rid of their Sunday blue laws. This isn’t 1950.

Stop asking about an international airport; we don’t want an international airport. Stop asking about a bowl game; we don’t want a bowl game. We want to be simple and we want to eat our fatback. Thank you.

Man, those good folks at the Nick, they’ve got my back. Ever since the new Coen brothers movie came out, I have been dying to see it. But all the whack-a-doo Regal cinemas around here don’t have it. But [the Nick] is getting it!

Yeah, this is a rant regarding computer discrimination. I absolutely agree that there is computer discrimination (Dec. 2). I live in Chapin where a lot of rich people live and because I don’t have a computer I don’t get the same information as everybody else. Not everybody can afford it. That sucks.

This is for the idiot in the silver SUV who went through a red light at Gervais and Gadsden and hit an old lady in the crosswalk — me — and never even stopped her car. You know who you are.

Ever noticed that fat people have a major advantage for sleeping on the job or at their desk? They don’t have necks, so their heads sit nice and stable on those luscious shoulders. There is no nodding off and face planting into the keyboard for these “more to love” individuals. Yep … big girl to the left is sleeping right now. Wonder how she’ll respond to this rubberband …

To the “black man” who said Strom Thurmond was one of the ”great representatives for the state of South Carolina” (Dec. 9). Really?!?! I assume you wrote that for no other reason than to solicit a response. The man was in office for (literally) a lifetime and I can’t think of more than one piece of substantial legislation he put his name on — but, as a black man myself, can remember one he didn’t.

Dear management at my minimum wage job: I wake up very early to serve coffee with a smile to USC students, faculty, staff and even to you. So pardon me for thinking that you are the sh#!tiest people for which I’ve ever worked. I wish I could treat employees and customers like crap and still make management wage like you. So pardon me for this public rant and this public F#!K YOU! Sincerely, Disgruntled Barista.

Rave for The White Mule. Saw the Hick’ry Hawkins and Billy Joe Shaver shows at your place and they were both great. Thanks for the eclectic line-up.

To the Twilight harpy who complained about the movie reviewer misspelling a name: What else has this kid been in other than Harry Potter (as a corpse) and a vampire cougar target in a s#!tty teen-drama? He’s not going to be that famous if on his resumé all he can put is, “Oh, I’ve been a corpse in a wizard movie and a vampire!” Get over it!

This is a rave for the best boyfriend ever. Not only did you tolerate me being completely obliterated, you even came into the women’s bathroom at          to make sure I was okay. You brought me home, took off my clothes, and played guitar for me until I fell asleep. Even though I don’t remember any of it, you’re the best!

To my secret admirer at Cool Beans: Thanks for the compliment last week, but I’m afraid my heart belongs to another. And to the blonde boy with a lip ring who works at the Russell House Starbucks: I think my puffy vest would look even better on your bedroom floor.

This is a rave to the beautiful woman at the Thai restaurant on Friday. Your cute haircut really accentuated your look. I was just wondering how you had room afterwards for the popcorn at Target.

Now that they finally reopened the upper Finlay Park parking lot, anyone up to meeting me there during the evening to have sex between the parked cars while listening to loud music and smoking some 420?

To the lady that decorates my church for various upcoming holidays and events: It’s very nice of you to volunteer to decorate, but please refrain from decorating my floor with your trash and leftover decorations. If you can haul a full-size, fake Christmas tree down two hallways and halfway across the sanctuary, my bet is that you can push a vacuum cleaner! I’m still vacuuming up Valentine’s Day confetti!

To the boy that that I fell madly in love with: He wasn’t worth losing you. I’m sorry. It’s been months but I still wake up thinking about you everyday.

This rave is for the young lady who looked out for me last week when I was down on my luck. You know I love you. You did a beautiful thing. You are totally awesome.

If you eat fish, you are NOT a vegetarian. So stop telling people that you are!

This is a huge big rave to the Vista here in Columbia. I just turned 34 years old, and I just want to say thank you for opening your arms to a small country girl like myself and welcoming me into the bars and clubs. I just want to say that Columbia is a great place to have fun. Thank you for everything. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Columbia.

Need to get something off your chest? Call us with your rant or rave at 765-0707 ext. 126 or email RANTandRAVE@free-times.com. Submissions will be edited for length and spelling but not grammar. Please limit emailed submissions to 150 words.